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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27414289">Tainted Love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue/pseuds/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue'>48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angsty Trainwreck Time, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/F, I'm pretty sure everyone is having a moment about something, Lucifer Critical, M/M, S15E18, Spoilers, Trans Sam Winchester, Very Dean Critical, WIP, abuse discussions, dean critical, future tagging, im going somewhere with this but idk what, look no matter what you wanted out of canon, please check the endnotes for important tw and disclaimers, sam centric, ventfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:48:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,469</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27414289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue/pseuds/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Cas deal with their ways of constructing revisionist history for their own sanity in different ways.</p><p>(AKA Sam and Cas are Jack co-parenting buddies but also horribly dysfunctional and their different coping mechanisms don't always work well together.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Sam Winchester, Donna Hanscum/Jody Mills, Jack Kline &amp; Sam Winchester, Lucifer/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Lol IDK yet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So I haven't seen the episode yet, but I have seen a particular scene.</p><p>And you gotta understand a few things before going into this: </p><p>1. Wildly unhealthy relationships have never stopped me from writing certain pairings ever. They give me fuel to write because unhealthy situations are my default setting (exhibit A: I mainly write painful Sam Lucifer whump with focus on Sam's survival so my priorities are different from most). Also, I write from a combination of disappointment, excitement, and spite. Like, does Destiel clogging up Sam stuff bother me when it ain't tagged right? Yes. Do I still support the Destiel shippers? Also yes, I think being mean to people for shipping any fictional stuff is bs because it's fiction and people all have their own tastes and you guys just had an interesting night, but I also think all of you deserved better writing if they were gonna commit to that plot point, that was some shitty fanfic level of writing and I've seen people write so much better, and for those authors- I believe in you and support you. But I also don't think any death is permanent canon-wise, if you don't die and come back in SPN it's an anomaly at this point. Cas is probably safe. If he isn't it's not like we have expectations from the writers, but maybe that's my jaded I-only-care-about-Sam-and-Jack goggles clouding things. Also now that this has more angst I'm actually more interested in writing not background half-assed Destiel.... but not over my Sam-centrism.</p><p>I'm also a multishipper (shipping just means who I pair with whom for tagging, it doesn't mean I think the pairing is healthy.) And I was gonna be cool with Sam/Cas, Dean/Cas, one-sided SamCas or DeanCas, or Ace Sam and Ace Cas, any way you slice it (canon or not, who cares about canon the writers are just throwing a dartboard around at this point and bucklemming is writing the season finale so we're all screwed anyway), with varying levels of "this is unhealthy but I still see how it can work" vs Sam deserves better and Cas deserves better (but also Sam still deserves better than Cas, sorry not sorry, and the writers sidelining Sam has the silver lining of Sam not being written badly unlike Dean and Cas). So really, I feel bad for Cas fans and Dean fans, you guys have to deal with hilariously bad writing way more. So the real losers atm are the fluffy destiel shippers like dang. you guys make Dean palatable and you guys do a wonderful job but also you must be like... why canon why. and I feel for you. But I also think Cas will be back so here's to hoping for all of us rooting for Cas any way ya slice it. (I mostly just want Sam and Jack and Cas to be a family unit so I'm biased. Also they didn't get to say goodbye which is hilariously on point for how SPN works at this point. The meta writes itself.)</p><p>That being said, I feel for the Cas defenders and all of you are valid. Like, his and Dean's relationship in canon is not healthy at all however you see it, and also the level of gaslighting and revisionist history and excuses Cas gives to Dean??? Great drama, horrible relationship goals, it's at Sam Canon Apologism and Self-Blame Levels On Steroids now. Like, Sam, go fetch Cas and get him out of the situation, except Sam has gaslit himself too and only Jack is his motive for getting out. So this fic is made with that in mind. (Mostly because everyone knows I am not sympathetic to canon Dean at all lol. Just because he can have chemistry with Cas doesn't excuse all the ways he treats everyone around him in canon.)</p><p>For the Sam/Cas fans: did you really think we were gonna get that with how the narrative prioritizes either of them ? heck the writers will probably kill Sam off if his Queer Vibes were more than incredibly intense subtext. We dodged a bullet.</p><p>2. Sam and Cas co-parenting Jack is one of the things I love, so that's happening. Sam and Cas supporting autonomy while also being disasters is my jam.</p><p>3. I like writing trainwrecks and that's what I'm gonna do. Also expect the usual Sam and Lucifer stuff so if anyone's new here, just expect that to be a Bad Time and then Sam's eventually gonna kick ass because that's my default setting.</p><p>4. They killed off Donna and that will never be forgiven. Donna is my fourth fave character after Sam, Jack, and Cas. And just because she's hard for me to write doesn't mean that I'm not going to. Also, they killed off Eileen, off screen, AGAIN??? And that is unforgivable. And therefore I am writing fic purely out of spite also for that reason. Jack and Donna and Eileen and Garth and Kevin and regular original Bobby and Charlie all deserved better.</p><p>Do I think people will come back? Yeah. Do I think the writing is going to improve? Lol we get crumbs let's be real but I'm gonna enjoy the ride either way. I already lived through GOT if it's worse I'll just laugh more and write more fic. Also I only care about Sam so I'm immune to most canon.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam knows Cas has a tendency to not stand up for himself when it comes to Dean.</p><p>Sam gets that.</p><p>He has a habit of falling into pushing it down, compartmentalizing, letting Dean's narrative run the show (it's a little like muscle memory, with how Lucifer ran things downstairs, and old habits die very slow even when you've tethered your sense of reality to the frail familial unit you pretend is okay).</p><p>They both had a habit of glossing over things.</p><p>But after everything, with Jack...</p><p>Sam can't keep lying to himself.</p><p>And he knows that if this is going to work, he's going to have to convince Cas to leave Dean and come with him when they make a break for it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I will expand on this once I have seen the actual episode I just wanted to write some setup after that dialogue from Cas because WOW THE REVIONIST HISTORY. that was like Sam levels of re-imagining and re-framing nonexistent support and also Cas loves humanity not because of Dean but on his own merits despite everything Dean pulled in... I think it was S7 but maybe I'm misremembering? also Dean tried to kill Castiel's adopted son more than once like that should be a dealbreaker right there</p><p> </p><p>like it's not just a disservice to Sam and Cas at this point but the pedestal of Dean's anger being justified by the narrative is just... smh. it's not even fair to Dean he had better growth in S5 and even S13 and that's saying something consider how much fuckery was in S9 and S10 and S12.</p><p> </p><p>Also if anyone takes issues with me having issues with Dean in canon, look. You are allowed to love the character, no one is judging you. This is not an attack on you or how you connect to him. This is an attack on the behaviors the writers write for the narrative around Dean since S3 and beyond mostly, and how things he's done in a lot of later canon mirrors real abuse experiences. That is what this is targeting. The idea that Sam and Cas didn't fight their own battles and find their own strength whether or not Dean supported them (and post S8, he hasn't really, I'm sorry, and his behavior toward to Jack since S13 only codifies that more). If you don't see that, or don't want the narrative to show that, and just want wholesome and non-toxic Dean content (like a lot of fanfic writers write, and they do amazing and could give canon writer's a run for their money!) and that's totally valid, and I get not wanting to see Dean as toxic if he's a support character for you. But as someone who has seen a lot of crazy stuff irl, I don't think this fic is going to give you what you are looking for, and I ask that you don't frame Dean's canon behavior as justified here in this space. Dean is acted amazingly well, but his canon actions are textbook abusive in parts of the narrative and people's discussions about that helped me with irl stuff, so if you don't think he is abusive in canon, please just click away from this fic. You aren't going to like it, and I do not want people to think I am writing this to spite them, because it's just me reacting to my own dislike of Dean's actions due to my own stuff and all of this is fiction so it is not a value judgment or anything, this isn't affecting anyone irl. it's partially just me venting as a ventfic. Thank you and be well.</p><p>For the Sam Lucifer fans: look we all know I ship the two of them as an abusive toxic mess dialed up to 11 and beyond, so I'm just gonna be building my unhealthy trainwreck abuse discussion sandcastle over here in the angst corner where I thrive as usual, please don't mind me and you keep doing your thing in peace I'm just gonna be in my drama bubble.</p><p>Also for Dexter fans: expect Pellegrino's character vibes from Lucifer too, couldn't not use it as inspiration.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I still don't entirely know what I'm doing with this but I'm actually pretty mad the episode was boring and that was the worst part. Like, that pacing and those sequences... that was S12 levels of boring and I ain't here for that.</p><p>this is like 3 wippy sentences but I do what I want</p><p>this is probably out of order idk how im mixing s15 with earlier seasons discussion with my au yet</p><p>that being said I hope to write fluffy Jack Sam and Cas content soon and also Donna.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>anyway the eventual vibes for this wippy thing are sam and cas collectively venting to each other:</p><p>wouldn't it be nice if we had good taste in significant others? hell why can't we be into each other we both care about each other and support each other and actually treat each other right? we're already the only responsible parents for Jack we should be able to make this work.</p><p>and then being like... if only, but our romantic tastes/trauma induced responses to toxic relationships suck</p><p>but that don't mean we can't both get out of dicey codependency situations together. </p><p>joint netflix sessions in Sam's room sharing the pillows does not mean they aren't in a platonic relationship (partially because Sam's trauma and partially because of how Cas still ties into that trauma because despite supporting each other equivocally Cas  has a tendency to do the EXACT thing that's gonna not mesh with Sam's trauma and/or make it worse while trying to help and also because Castiel's Dean apologism and Sam's Dean apologism and anger at Dean tend to intersect at opposite times and because I write Sam as breaking the abuse cycle with Dean because the writer's won't do it.)</p><p>also I'm still going with Lucifer possessing Jess for background au details my evil Samifer is always angsty to the max and I know nothing else.</p><p>But also I think it's tragic that Sam and Cas support each other and are kind to each other and believe in each other but without fail, Cas will do something related to Lucifer that will fuck Sam up in some way even if they're both trying to fix other apocalyptic issues and Cas is trying to protect Sam from Lucifer (and Sam also canonically just brushes off Dean's horrible behavior to Cas too much and I'm fixing that because that's a symptom of the writers not writing Sam right or giving him agency anyway). and we're not glossing over that.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam knows he and Cas both have a hard time being angry at Dean in any way that seems to stick.</p><p>So often, Sam will be furious, exhausted by dealing with all of it, and Cas will tell him Dean doesn't mean it, or that he has a lot on his plate, or that he means well and just expresses it wrong, or that he worries... (And how many times was that just parroting what Sam said to him, before he knew how much he couldn't keep up the ruse, couldn't keep lying to himself even as he lied more and more because that would be admitting he was just in another prison he couldn't find a way out of?)</p><p>And Sam knows he too is complicit- how many times has he brushed off false promises and apologies because he doesn't think he knows how to get out any more?</p><p>(How many times will he blame himself for wanting things to be better and different and healthy and not what it is always is, this time?)</p><p>How many times has Sam lied to himself about how Dean only wants what's best, how much he's tried to protect him (it is a kind of protection, a selfish, self-motivated kind, rooted in what Dean wants and needs and not what Sam has ever asked for).</p><p>But how many times has Sam caved, and blamed himself, and resigned himself to it?</p><p>How many times has Sam been far too scared of the consequences of another world ending scenario and needed his brother at his side to feel like they have a fighting chance?</p><p>How many times has Sam told himself he needed his brother, wanted his love and approval, told him that he was a good person who loved him because if Sam didn't believe that, what else did he have?</p><p>(Why was there something so broken inside of him, that he thought he'd never get out and never deserved any better?</p><p>Except Sam knows why. Sam's been broken ever since before he was born and Lucifer certainly never let him forget it, even when he called it by another name. Chosen. Perfect. Destined. Sam's tired of remembering.)</p><p>(The alternative to Dean was Lucifer, after all. Sam would rather weather Dean's temper and Dean's fears and Dean's tendency to shut doors to hard and break things and put a scythe to his neck or a gun to his heart if it meant he'd be the thing standing between him and Lucifer. Between what was real and what wasn't. Between the Cage and what was not, because, for all the ways Cas promised to be there, so many times he was disappearing, too. Because, while Sam protected himself from Lucifer, part of that was Sam fighting back with everything he could hold on to, and getting what he never thought he would: Dean agreeing to step back and let Sam choose, back in Stull. Part of it was the hope that Sam could see the good parts of his brother, the parts that didn't terrifying him, and he could live with that before throwing himself down into Hell forever. Afterwards, after being resurrected and re-souled, it was more a matter of principle. Both Lucifer and Dean demanded a different kind of deference and love, and a different set of rules. But Dean was still the opposite spectrum of Lucifer, and Sam would cling to anything that stubbornly wasn't that in any form, however similar the system of survival remained. At least he wasn't being tortured happily, at least he wasn't having to look at the ugly truth, and Sam could pretend that those good parts of his time with Dean was all that was there, instead of everything that always happened over and over, the blame and the rage and the judgment, always treating Sam like a wayward child and not himself. Sam would take Dean's well-meaning, desperate lies about what the good parts of their family life were over the harsh truths Lucifer painted from lies of omission and careful manipulations any day.)</p><p>(After Gadreel, that distinction between the difference got hazy. But Sam pushed it down, because what else could he do?)</p><p>They'd been trying not to disappear on each other, even if Cas doesn't always feel like communicating. (Sam doesn't like it, the radiosilence, the total cutoff, not knowing, but he understands the necessity of not giving Dean any way to wedge himself back in, and that includes Sam when he's too scared to leave, too, and Cas not wanting to drag him into the middle of things is another factor, both out of concern and to tend to his own wellbeing. They both have a tendency to spiral, to not have a plan and let it stick, when it comes to Dean, when it comes to how they function with him and make excuses for each other... And Sam blames himself, too. He's doubted himself too much to be entirely trustworthy. Made so many mistakes that Sam doesn't always know are really his, when so many people blame him for what they've done, but Sam knows he's the one who kicked them off. He trusted Ruby. He killed Lilith- for good reasons that didn't change the consequences- and everything after... Sam hasn't done the worst, and he's made his peace, but he knows his own pain and doubt is something Dean knows how to capitalize on. How many times has Sam been wrong about people?</p><p> </p><p>How many times does he wish he was right? (Except he knows he was, now, with Jack. He knows and he knows Jack doesn't trust him and he shouldn't, not after the box. Sam blames himself for that, for caving to Dean and making that call when it was the worst sin Sam blames himself for, even considering the dominoes leading up to the Apocalypse.)</p><p> </p><p>But this time is different. Sam knows Cas has been contemplating leaving more often, particularly after Dean tried to kill Jack the first time, and now, after it happened, again...</p><p> </p><p>Neither of them are able to muster the energy to give Dean any flimsy defense. He's wrong. They both know he's wrong, and are drowning under the weight of bearing the lie they used to tell themselves.</p><p> </p><p>(The first attempt Cas left without contact was the first time Sam's seen anyone leave Dean and have it stick for long enough, when even Sam hasn't lasted that long. (Sam tries not to blame himself for it, even when he does. After the Cage, it's not like he has much to go back to. He doesn't always feel grounded. He doesn't know how to get away from Dean, sometimes, even though he pretends he does, because he begged Dean to leave him in Hell and then Cas got him out anyway, and Dean wouldn't leave the rest of him in pieces no matter what kind of damage was done.)</p><p>(Sam does not begrudge either of them that. Eternity is one thing to consider a sacrifice for the world, but selfishly, Sam is glad he doesn't think he'd have to withstand it forever, even with the resulting cost.)</p><p> </p><p>But Sam knows how this cycle goes. Cas leaves, but he always comes back.</p><p>(This time, Sam knows neither of them should, and hopes he can convince him not to.</p><p>Even if Sam knows there's another fear waiting round the corner- that without Dean in the ring, another evil will come for him and Jack and Cas and it will be one Sam knows how to fight and endure but never knows how to escape from.)</p><p> </p><p>(Sam has always known how to leave Dean, even if he's come back too often to pretend he doesn't know the pattern.</p><p>But while he's never known how to lie to himself about Lucifer, or gloss over what he's done like Sam does with Dean so often, he's the one Sam never really knows how to really get away from. Even when it's all Sam has ever really wanted, just to have the choice matter.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>anyway, here's me, being salty:</p><p>Dean and Lucifer's abusive, violent, and narcissistic behavior: this is the same picture </p><p>only Lucifer plays more of a long-con 'I'm responsible for nothing and you asked for this and also you were made for me' game and Dean goes more of the direct gaslighting enmeshment route but the end result is the same</p><p>the flavor and intensity and expression of that behavior is slightly different but hoo boy at the end of the day they're assholes the only difference is how canon wants to frame it</p><p>then again supposedly we're getting Lucifer back but it's bucklemming and they don't want to write him as the nuanced and terrifying villain he is so well in S5, they want a pathetic antihero in rose-colored glasses and not the evil abusive sassy bastard Lucifer is in SPN and I'm not happy bout that at all.</p><p>the only reason I'm cool with Lucifer ever being back is the wish that Sam sets him on fire and kicks his ass and kills him one on one properly and I'm never going to get that and that's just how it's gonna go.</p><p> </p><p>also Sam just brushed Dean pulling a gun on him off. Like, that was the most insulting part of the episode aside from Cas extolling Dean's virtues that are fake and not Dean because Dean is a POS particularly since S13 who faces no consequences for his actions longterm.</p><p>im just so angry</p><p> </p><p>like I've been shipping Samifer and Destiel in every kind of form since their introductory seasons (since before I even recognized my barometer for healthy relationships was very skewed and then subtextual Samifer got even more abusive than it already was in canon but that's a tangent) but the fact they had to turn the last ep into Dean Celebration And He Did Nothing Wrong Hour PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH I CAN'T EVEN ENJOY THE CANON???? Like. Fuck that.</p><p>I've always headcanoned Dean and Cas as into each other and they have chemistry on screen and there is subtext even if Sam has the healthier relationship with Cas anyway (because Dean's unhealthy to be around) and Dean being Bi in general but also using Cas whenever he finds it convenient and taking him for granted and seeing Cas as an object of possession much like he does for Sam and protecting Sam... idk where I was going with that I'm just mad. (also like, Cas and Balthazar being a past thing is also subtexual imo but that's another tangent). Point is even when Dean seems to be into Cas he also withholds affection and kindness and is mean and rude and cuts Cas down and views him as expendable and that's... like, I can work with unhealthy relationships but I always figured deep down that Cas could recognize Dean treats him horribly? (but I also didn't think canon would even go for semi-ambiguous plausible deniability Destiel at all to begin with)</p><p>The only way I can stomach Destiel in it's raw form is Dean trying to be a better person and he consistently has not done that in canon which is why I can only stomach fanon Dean sometimes. (but barely because post S8 I just can't handle Dean because of the stuff he pulls with Sam anyway from then on.)</p><p>And the sad thing is Sam and Cas want a happy well adjusted family with Dean and Jack with them but they won't get that because Dean sucks in canon and I can write all the fix it I want but it doesn't change the BS we're given in the eps.</p><p> </p><p>like if Cas told Dean he was a POS but he loved him anyway I could actually appreciate that. that at least makes sense but also how the FUCK did Cas forgive Dean with anything around Jack?</p><p> </p><p>that being said everyone should take this endnote with a grain of salt because i was really stressed out this week and  while the week ended on a high note in general, I think all my residual rage got allocated to spn as an outlet because i wasn't sleeping well and Sam Winchester is just one of my favorite characters and when canon does things like this I am like that Hades gif going I'm fine I'm fine it's fine and then exploding.</p><p>seriously though Lucifer and Dean not facing consequences or even narrative framing that shows their actual selves as what they are in canon makes me so angry. the apologism is next level. (also let Lucifer be evil and suave and horrible like Kripke made him that's why he's compelling and scary and actually interesting when he and Sam face off. he's amazing as a villain and if they try to make him tragic in the second to last ep and don't let Sam destroy him im gonna be even more angry.)</p>
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